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Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Can You Say Bone Pain?

Today is Wednesday and I am finally coming out of my post treatment side effects. Taxol really kicked my bootie this past week. The doctors and nurses had warned me about the bone pain associated with Taxol, but I had no idea it would be so bad. Supposedly it doesn't affect all women the same and some never experience any bone pain. Unfortunately, I think I had enough pain to make up for the few who never have any. You are welcome. The doctors tried to explain it to me in a way that makes it sound similar to the the achiness you feel when you have the flu. Bologna. I would describe it as feeling as if your bones are about to break. There were a few days where my ankles hurt so bad that I could barely walk. Every thing I did created throbbing pains from my feet all the the way to my head. I would literally have to stop moving at times until the pain passed. My back actually hurt bad enough that I became nervous there might be something else going on and I called Dr. Ellis' nurse. She reassured me that the pain was undoubtedly from the Taxol. I was happy to hear that. I will say that today is the first day I haven't woken up in a great amount of pain. I am actually feeling quite normal. Praise God.

OK, time to get honest. With all that has been going on, I feel that I have not been spending an adequate amount of time with the Lord. Sometimes I wonder if He feels like I have abandoned Him. He has blessed me in so many ways and I am so amazed by His grace. However, why is it that we often get "to busy" and that God gets pushed to the end of our long list of things "to do"? Chemotherapy is an emotional roller coaster. There are days were I really feel sorry for myself and if I were in a swimming pool, I would drown in my self pity. There are days when I cry at the drop of a hat, I am angry, and just down right mean to the ones who love me the most. There are days when I wonder if November 19Th will truly be my last chemo treatment for rest of my life. Will I actually live long enough to see Charley go off to college and get married? In my heart I know the answer is yes. However, the enemy likes to try and convince me otherwise.

Since the beginning of this journey I have known that God has big plans for my life. I am convinced that He does not want this to just be a "season" in my life that comes and goes. I know He wants me to use this experience to do great things and bring glory to Him. I am just waiting for that door to open. I love the Lord with all my heart. My prayer is that God would forgive me for my laziness and in not acknowledging His blessings everyday of my life. The past 5 months have been one heck of a journey. There have been so many ups and downs.

This weekend I will be attending the Designed for Life conference at James River Assembly. God has been so gracious throughout my treatments. I know he purposefully planned that I would not have a treatment this week so that my body would be strong enough to attend. Thank you Lord. I am looking forward to all that He is going to do! Thank you God for healing me. Open my mind and heart to you in the coming days so that I may see my purpose more clearly.

I pray you all have a blessed day! God Bless!


Tammy said...

I will also be attending the conference this week and will say a prayer for you and your family. May God continue to bless you and be vigilant over your healing. May the Holy Spirit keep your spirit strong and remain steadfast at your side. Hope to see you this week!

Anonymous said...

Do not beat yourself up. God knows that you love him and that you are bringing his name Glory each day that you fight this battle. Only His strength is getting you through this. He loves and cares for us even when we are not perfect, so don't be too hard on yourself. I pray your conference was a blessing.

Anonymous said...

Girl, You inspire me! Keep fighting the good fight of faith! Love, Jill