Happy New Year!

The past two days I have been trying to heal from my surgery. I have been REALLY sore - more than I expected. In fact, this surgery has been much more painful than my mastectomy. I do feel better today than I have the past two days. I came out of surgery wearing a very stylish bra that I am lucky enough to get to wear 24 hours a day for another week. Ugh. I will say that it is holding everything together very nicely.

This morning I got to see my new friends for the first time. I have to say I am very impressed. When I got home I was a little worried that I looked flat. Now that I have taken the guaze off, I can honestly say that I am pleased. My mom called me a couple of days ago advising me not to post any pics of my new friends on the blog. Don't worry mom, the thought of doing that had not even crossed my mind, although I know some of you out there are curious! I have to say the best part of it all is that my breast now feel like.......breast! No more cannon balls! I am looking forward to buying some new bras and some new clothes in the coming weeks!

I hope you all have a wonderful New Year's Eve. I had never really thought much about New Year's Eve or New Year's Day. However, this year really symbolizes a new beginning. 2009 will be a year to remember for different reasons! Happy New Year!

The FINAL Chapter......Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009!!

Well, I finally made it. December 29Th.......a day that I have been anxiously waiting for. This morning I will have surgery to replace my tissue expanders with implants. For those of you who have been keeping up with my blog, you know that I have not been a fan of the tissue expanders. First of all, they are rock hard.....and I am not kidding! Second, they have made my newly formed breasts very uneven. The purpose of the tissue expanders is to stretch the skin and that is about it. So, for more than five months I have walked around with what feels like cannon balls on my chest, absolutely no cleavage, and two "breasts" that are somewhat disfigured. However, today is a new day! I'm not exactly sure how long the procedure will take, but my plastic surgeon will remove the expanders, clean out all the scar tissue, hopefully create some cleavage (can you believe they can do that?) and then slip in some nice silicone implants. In addition, he is also going to remove my port. This is almost as exciting as getting new boobs. My port represents the beginning of this journey. It was the first thing I had put in just a few weeks after my diagnosis. It was used at every chemo treatment. Today, I get to kiss it goodbye.

I am so happy to be able to close out 2008 by having this surgery before the New Year. 2008 was not a very good year for our family or for many of our friends. Yesterday morning at church, Pastor Curt gave a sermon on being thankful. He explained how we are to be thankful in all of our circumstances, not just those that go our way. I have not been perfect by any stretch of the imagination, however, I have tried my best to be thankful for what God has done for me. I often think of all the prayers he has answered and am amazed by His graciousness and mercy. Yesterday Ryan and I were talking how in the midst of all the grief, pain, uncertainty, and doubt, that God continued to pull us through and ultimately made things easy for us. Please don't think for a second that the past 6 months were a walk in the park. However, because of our relationship with God and all the people praying for us, we were able to make it through this journey with our heads held high and with an end in sight. Praise God!

December 29Th has always been a significant day in our house. Ryan and I were married 7 years ago today. We could NEVER have imagined what our 7Th year of marriage would bring. Nor, could we ever have imagined that on our 7Th wedding anniversary I would be getting implants. (Happy Anniversary Ryan!) In addition to our anniversary, our daughter Charley is 2 1/2 today. I was diagnosed two weeks before her second birthday. To think that she is 2 1/2 today is just another reminder of how quickly the past six months have gone by. I am looking forward to being the mother and wife I was before my diagnosis....only better!

In closing, I am going to paste an older post below. This was the post that I did the morning before I went to the hospital for my bilateral mastectomy on July 16Th. That was a hard day, but also the day I became cancer free. When I left the hospital two days later, I still had a four months of chemotherapy ahead of me. Tonight when I leave the hospital, I have life ahead of me. I hope those of you who have continued to follow this blog have found yourself inspired. I hope you have found encouragement in the midst of your own trials. Thank you for your continued prayers and support. ~ God Bless ~

Blog Entry: July 16Th 2008

Would you believe that I actually slept for about 4 hours last night? God was gracious in giving me at least that much sleep. I did wake up a little earlier than I had hoped, but now I am able to squeeze one more post in before heading to the hospital. This is it. Today God is taking this awful cancer from my body and I am faithful that I will never have to worry about cancer again. Thank you Lord.

Most of you know my husband Ryan, but for those of you who do not, let me tell you that he is the most compassionate and loving man I know. Yesterday, he sent me an email that really portrays who he is as a person. I wanted to share it with all of you so you would know the strength and encouragement that I am so very fortunate to have from Ryan. Here is the email that he sent me:

"Mel, you are more than a conqueror! You are guided by God....you cannot lose....He battles for you! Be comforted, accept the peace He offers you through this journey...its yours for the taking.

I, along with our entire family, are backing you up 100%!!

Thank you for what you are doing about this breast cancer...THANK YOU!!! I can't wait to see the look on Charley's face one of these days when she realizes how much her Mommy loves her!!! That will be a great day!

Stay strong, there are many people who are relying on you right now. As for Charley and I, no worries, no drama.....just know we love you and will be by your side for every moment of this! We look forward to NOON tomorrow....cancer free."

Lord, thank you for Ryan. Thank you for giving me such a loving husband who stands firm in his faith and sees the goodness you are bringing to our family through this unfortunate circumstance. We know that this is all a part of your perfect plan for my life. Lord, be with me this morning. Take every ounce of this cancer from my body. I pray that the cancer would still be contained to the breast. Be with Dr. Cavagnol and Dr. Geter as you use them to heal me and make me whole. Be their hands and comfort them as they work on me. Bring me strength and healing Lord. Let this be a day of celebration as you heal me from cancer. Allow peace to overcome fear and perseverance to overcome doubts. God you are so good. I love you. Continue to use me to further you kingdom. Amen.

Time to be CANCER FREE!!!

Merry Christmas!

I cannot believe that Christmas is only two days away. I have to admit that Christmas caught me totally off guard this year. The past six months have been crazy, to say the least, and I just wasn't prepared like I should have been. I spent last weekend Christmas shopping, frantically shopping at Walmart yesterday for my baking ingredients, and I will spend all day today making a load of cookies. As crazy as shopping was this past weekend, it was a wonderful feeling to look around at all the hustle and bustle and to be a part of it. In years past, I would have NEVER gone out the weekend before Christmas to do my shopping. However, it didn't bother me this year. I loved knowing that I was alive and healthy and so happy that I could be a part of all the holiday frenzy. I am looking forward to the coming days and spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my family. We all have so much to be thankful for this year!

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas!

Waiting Patiently

Two weeks from today I will have surgery to replace my extremely uncomfortable expanders with nice, soft, silicone implants. Tomorrow will mark 5 months since my bilateral mastectomy. That is so hard to believe. That same day I had my expanders put in and have been uncomfortable since. I can't tell you how much I am looking foward to getting them removed. December 29th will be the final chapter of this journey. I will continue to see Dr. Ellis throughout 2009. Although some days are harder than others, I am believing that I have forever been healed from cancer. I continue to pray everyday that God would show me how to use what I have been through to touch the lives of others. I will continue to listen and wait patiently. I know God will open that door when He is ready.

Now that I am feeling better and moving on with my life, I am trying to make the necessary choices to ensure a future without cancer. However, eating right and exercising (or just finding the time to do so) does not always come easy for me. I would appreciate your prayers in regards to this matter. I want nothing more than to take the life and body that God has so graciously blessed me with a second time, and honor and glorify Him. Doing this requires me to be less selfish with my time and more obedient in what He wants for my life. I want to do EVERYTHING I know how to live the rest of my life cancer FREE! Happy Holidays and God Bless!

Living a "Normal" Life

Hello Everyone! Last night as I was scrolling through different blogs, I realized that I had not updated mine since my last chemo treatment! This made me realize two things: 1) My life the past two weeks has resumed to almost the way it was before I was diagnosed with cancer. Since my last treatment, I have felt better and better each day. 2)Not updating the blog means that I have been spending less time on the computer and more time with Charley and Ryan, out and about. What a wonderful thing! I would normally be gearing up for another treatment this week and not having to plan a trip to St. Louis is a little odd, but I'm not complaining.

Ryan did have to give me the Neulasta shot last time and that has contributed to some bone pain, particularly in my lower back. I still have tremendous pain there occasionally. I know it is a side effect of the Taxol and that the Neulasta only magnifies that pain. The pain is getting better with each day and if this is the only lasting side effect, I am blessed!

I would ask for those of you reading this to pray for my friend, Mary, in New York. As many of you know, we were diagnosed at about the same time, and have undergone our surgeries and treatments at the same time. We met through my blog and have been great companions for each other through all of this. Mary is having her reconstruction surgery tomorrow along with a hysterectomy and her ovaries removed. Please pray that she would have a quick and speedy recovery and that the surgery would go smoothly.

I hope you are all having a blessed December!

Adios Chemos

Well I did it. I had my last chemotherapy treatment on Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving. I actually completed 8 treatments with the first four being Adriamycin and Cytoxin and the last four being Taxol. It's hard to believe that I stared chemo at the beginning of August, had my surgery in July, was diagnosed in June, and discovered the lump in May. Boy has it been a whirlwind of events since the beginning of all this. I am so thankful that my God held my hand through every treatment, every tear, every doubt, and every angry moment. Thank you God for never giving up on me.

Secondly, thank you Ryan for your unconditional love. If there is one thing that chemotherapy does to you, it really messes with your hormones and your mood. I wouldn't be being honest if I said that I never got angry or mad at Ryan at least once during each treatment. If you have had chemo, you understand what I am talking about, if not, don't bother asking. A good example of what chemo does is occurring at this very minute. It is currently 1:22 am and I am posting this blog. Not because I am just so excited to do a post, but because the steroid I am currently coming off of gives me more energy than I can stand. I will be lucky if I dose back to sleep tonight. Actually, if I leave about right now I bet I can get a great spot in line at Best Buy or Kohl's for Black Friday shopping! Uhhhh...no thanks! Anyway, back to what I was saying, Ryan has been a huge stepping stone for me throughout this entire process. I wasn't exactly the easiest person to live with before all of this, and then with chemo added to the mix, I know there were days where Ryan was just praying that he would make it through the day....and he always did, by the grace of God. Although I am Charley's mother and always will be, Ryan had to play the roll of Mr. Mom on several occasions. On the few nights I did feel like reading a book to Charley before she went to bed, I would always notice that she was able to point and say the different names of pictures that she had not been able to recognize before. I knew that Ryan had taught Charley these things and in those moments I realized there were some things I had missed out on.

Ryan and I definitely had our moments. I'm not going to lie. Not everything was always "peachy." In the same way I was fighting to beat breast cancer, Ryan was watching me fight breast cancer, feeling helpless, as if he should be the one with the cancer, not me. I think all to often I forgot how those closest to me were also affected by my cancer diagnosis and I have had to remind myself several times that I am not the only victim. Everyone had to deal with it in their own way. Ryan, you were an amazing husband to me throughout all of this. Your were ALWAYS there for me whenever I needed you. You took the weight of the world upon your shoulders and you rarely blinked an eye. You took care of Charley, you took care of me, and you continued to run a business and support your family the best way you knew how. I love you more than you could possibly ever know. You are such an incredible man of God and I have been blessed by you and Charley everyday. The screaming, laughing, and craziness is just what I needed.......sometimes! I love you!

Not only was I a wife and mother suffering from breast cancer at such a young age, I was also a daughter, an only child. My mom knew the battle I was up against when I was diagnosed. She had been diagnosed almost exactly 20 years earlier. She told me it wasn't going to be easy and when it was over I would wonder how I ever made it through. It certainly wasn't easy. That part she was right about. However, I know I made it because of the grace of God, and because of people like her, my dad, Ryan, my in-laws, and so many others who refused to give up on me. We were all suffering in one way or another in the beginning and honestly, I can't imagine what it must have felt like to hear that their only daughter had breast cancer. I pray those are words that my ears never have to hear. I would do it all over again, and again, if I knew it would spare my child. My mom and dad did countless things throughout this process that helped tremendously. One of those things was always giving me encouragement. When I would question the decisions I had made or just feel doubtful, my mom was always there to reassure me. That made a huge difference coming from my mom who had been through this exact thing 20 years earlier, and was still alive!! My dad called me every day that I had a treatment. He would call me from work just to wish me luck, tell me he loves me, and always to tell me how proud he was of me. The past week was extra special when he called to tell me that I had done it, I had beaten the cancer and the chemo journey was going to finally be over. I love you mom and dad and I could NEVER repay you for what you have done for Ryan and I throughout this journey.

My in-laws, Roger and Sharon, were also a huge help. They watched Charley numerous times over the past 5 months and were always there when we call at the last minute. We still do that!!! Our families have grown so much closer through all of this. Something like cancer really makes you value the importance of family and friends.

I could go on and on forever about all the people who have changed my life and made an impact. This post mentions the people closest to me. In the coming days and weeks I plan to write about more people who touched my life throughout this journey. For now, the chemo journey has ended and in the words of Dr. Ellis, "You are cured." Praise Jesus!

Final Treatment.....Number 8!

Click on the Album for more Pics!

The End is Near.....Take 2

This time last week I was gearing up for my last chemo treatment. I was so pumped. Well, that treatment never happened and really put me in a slump. I couldn't believe that I would have to wait another week for my last treatment. Now, a week later, I am "gearing up" again for what WILL BE my last treatment. Despite it being the last one, I don't feel quite as relieved and excited as I did last week. Perhaps this will change as Wednesday approaches and it becomes more of a reality. I poured so much energy and emotion into last week only to have it ripped right out of my hands. I guess that's why I am not getting my hopes up again. I will celebrate when the treatment is actually over.

Here are the pics that Ryan and I took last week before we went out for our "celebratory" dinner. I guess we'll be having another "celebratory dinner tomorrow night.

Counting Down The Days......Again.

As you have probably read already, my scheduled chemo treatment for yesterday was postponed. Talk about a total let down. Ryan and I had been out the night before for a wonderful "celebratory" dinner at P.F. Changs and then to a movie. We were both glowing at the thought that I had finally come to the end of my chemo treatments. Yesterday morning my appointments went as scheduled. First I had my labs drawn. Then is was off to see Dr. Ellis where Ryan and I both expressed our joy. We couldn't believe the day was finally here. After looking over my paperwork, of which did not include my labs, Dr. Ellis looked at me and said "See, you made it. Time flies when your having fun, right?" He then looked at me and said, "Congratulations, your considered cured." It felt amazing to hear those words. Before he left the room I had a few questions I wanted to get answered. He suggested I get dressed and then we would discuss whatever necessary. As Ryan and I sat there waiting for Dr. Ellis to return, all we could think about was getting over to chemo and getting started. Then, Dr. Ellis walked in with a piece of paper in his hand and gave me a slightly disappointing look. I immediately asked him what was wrong. He sat down and bluntly stated that my white blood cell counts were to low and that they were not going to treat me this week but rather next week. Ryan and I could not believe what we were hearing. I immediately burst into tears. I was devastated. If given time, I think Ryan would have burst into tears as well. All of this positive energy we had poured into the previous days, all the encouraging words, all the emails congratulating me on my last treatment, were gone. I kept thinking that surely he was just joking. Ryan and I tried to convince him of letting me take my treatment on Friday or even Monday, but he wasn't having it. How could my counts be so low and I feel so great?

After regaining my composure, which wasn't easy, Dr. Ellis showed me the lab work. There are about 20 different counts they check, but the one that really matters is the Absolute Neutrophil Count. A normal Neutrophil Count is usually between 1.8 and 3.6. Yesterday, mine was 0.2. Not Good. Our Neutrophils make up almost 75% of our white blood cells which is what fights off infection. Because mine are so low, I am at an extremely high risk for developing an infection and am very susceptible to germs. If I were to get sick, my body would have no way of fighting off the infection, which is extremely dangerous. Not exactly a comforting thought seeing that it is cold and flu season! Because chemotherapy lowers your white blood cells to begin with, there was no way I could get treatment yesterday. In the words of the nurse, "It could be fatal." Great. So, with all that being said, Ryan and I got in our car, slightly disappointed, and headed home. I am now quarantined in my house for the next 6 days. I won't be able to leave without a mask and that is not exactly the next best accessory. However, I guess it beats being hospitalized.

I do want to thank all of you who prayed for me yesterday and the days before. Please don't stop praying now. I would ask that you all pray that my counts return to an acceptable level by next week and that I would remain healthy until then. I want nothing more than to get my last treatment next Wednesday.

A minor bump in the road

Hey guys...It's Hilary! I just wanted to fill you in on what has happed today while Mel & Ryan are in St. Louis for her "last" chemo treatment. Mel asked me to keep you informed so here it goes...

This morning Mel had her lab work done and then waited to see Dr. Ellis. Of course Mel & Ryan were ecstatic that today is her last 8 of 8 chemo treatments. After seeing Dr. Ellis he looked at her lab work results and said oh no. Mel's white blood cells are in a dangerously low range so she was not able to have her LAST chemo treatment today. Mel & Ryan are both devastated. She has rescheduled her "last" chemo treatment for next Wednesday (the day before Thanksgiving). They are on their way home as I type this. Please pray for Mel...she is very sad that this whole chemo journey is taking another week. On the positive side she knows that if she were allowed to have chemo today it could be fatally dangerous because she could get a blood infection or something else more severe. She needs a little boost so please say a little prayer for her. After getting off the phone with her this scripture immediately came to my mind.

Psalms 27:14
Rely on the Lord! Be strong and confident! Rely on the Lord!

There is a reason that Mel was not supposed to have treatment today. God is protecting her and her body. He will make her stronger and He will give her peace that it was supposed to happen this way.

The End Is Near

Today Ryan and I leave for my final chemo treatment in St. Louis. The eighth treatment seemed so far away 16 weeks ago. And now, 7 treatments later, here it is. So, after Wednesday, this chapter will come to a close in my journey. I will move forward knowing I did everything I could to defeat cancer. I will never look back, other than to wonder how I ever made it through treatment after treatment. This trip to St. Louis will be different than those in the past. The people and places we have come to love will no longer be an ordinary part of our lives. I have been so blessed throughout the past 16 weeks. By the grace of God, Ryan, Charley, and myself have all remained healthy. After tomorrow, my life will return to normal. However, life won't be like it was before. Normal will take on a new meaning. When I was first diagnosed, Jeremiah 29:11 was the first verse I turned to. It still hangs on my refrigerator today. There have been numerous times where I have stood in front of that verse and read it over and over. Time and time again, I have come across this verse in different books or someone has shared it with me. Just yesterday I was talking with someone who asked if they could share a bible verse with me. Guess what it was? Then, this morning as I read a devotion from the book Praying Through Cancer, Jeremiah 29:11 was the scripture. Isn't God incredible? He continues to reassure and validate His promise to me through His word. Although I don't always understand why I was diagnosed with breast cancer at such a young age, why I had to lose both of my breast, or why I had to undergo 4 months of chemotherapy, I do understand that it was all a part of God's perfect plan for my life. I can't wait to see what He has for me in the future! Thank you God for holding my hand throughout this entire process, even when I tried to run away. Thank you for instilling a great amount of patience in Ryan and thank you Lord for blessing me with a healthy little girl who will hopefully never remember the days her mommy was so sick. Thank you for all the nurses and doctors who took such good care of me. Thank you for all those who brought meals three and four times. Thank you for my parents who were always there to encourage me and talk me through the hard times. Finally thank you for always reminding me that:

You know the plans you have for my life, plans to prosper me, not harm me, plans to give me hope a future! Jeremiah 29:11